On
I'll Make You a
I've got tonight free. Just need someone to hang out with.
I'm 5' 3.5", 112 llbs.
Looking for a guy who will....
Ok.
Actually I want your stories. Send me an email and we can chat tonight. I want
to hear your story. Any story. Your thoughts.
Stories of...
- You buying a pineapple
- The last girl being a....
- How awkward it is to see your parents
- Digging in the dirt as a child
Any story. One story.
Please consider sharing it with me.
I even added a picture.
How could you not want to share your picture with Optimus Prime?
Just shoot me an email. You have nothing to loose. And if you're bored and
lonely enough to be on Craigslist, you must have the time to share your story
and at least have some sort of human contact this evening. I'll write back.
Certainly will.
I then included a picture of me with the Optimus Prime
Helmet on.
Lame post, I know, but you do what you gotta do to get a
story. I got 140 replies. Some are lame, asking me to text them or hang out.
But some understood what I wanted – just a story. Some reveal how lonely they
are. So many people are looking for love. The Optimus Prime helmet caugh the
attention of many who liked writing to Optimus himself. I would just listen to
their story. The following are the stories I got from that one ad I posted on
Craigslist.
Enjoy.
hey! so... the most memorable time of me buying a pineapple
is when i lived in
From Colby
clwood5071@gmail.com
I was working in LA in 98' for the Jim Henson Creature
shop. I was working preproduction on a
film when my supervisor walked in and asked us if anyone was willing to do an
AIDS bennie with Brian Henson. Brian
does Kermit the Frog's voice. I raised
my hand because I had not yet had an opportunity to work with the muppets. Anyways, a few days later I am with Brian and
another woman (another muppeteer) in the rehearsal hall at Raleigh Studios
(Charlie Chaplin's original studio).
Brian and Susan are working with Kermit and I and doing "rod
support" (I was a animatronic engineer so I was the tool guy). We are about an hour into the rehearsal when
Brian starts going way off script and starts telling us how much he likes to
pork Miss Piggy. He goes on and on about
sweet and sour pork and he has Susan and I in stitches. My childhood of watching Kermit on the Muppet
Show was totally changed.....all because I personally saw and heard Kermit say
"I would fuck that"
From Peter Bruce
adventpete@yahoo.com
The last pineapple I purchased was for some number of cents
in
From Greg Hammond
hikergreg@yahoo.com
Back when I was a kid, I thought it would be cool to try and
save some money (for once). I also
thought it would be cool to be a pirate...so...I decided to bury a bit of my
savings in the front yard. Not only
that, but I got my siblings and friends in on it. We had a "treasure" box filled with
goodies. Myself and my sister took care
to make a map of the location and dig it up a year later. Unfortunately, we never found it...till this
day (dammit...it was a fortune).
Sometimes I wonder what it was we buried (it's been a while). But yeah, that's it...I'll be signing
autographs till Sunday...
Your writer....um...Ray,
P.S. yes we dug up the entire front lawn once and yes our
parents blow a big-one... :(
From Ray
raysky01@gmail.com
I'll tell you a story. It actually is very recent too. This weekend was a rather fun one for
me. I went on a road trip to
From Chris Sheibel
crucibleofworlds@hotmail.com
Hmmmm. Stories huh. Well I'm 21, the last girl was a bitch.
She used me for money n fucked my
bestfriend. Yep that's my story.
hm13usa@yahoo.com
Here is a story from when I was 9 years old and spending a
week at Fort Flagler State Park on Marrowstone Island, not far from Port
Townsend. I was using the outhouse up the trail from the old wharf a couple
hundred yards. My family was at the wharf fishing and hanging out.
I had been focused on fishing most of the afternoon, so when
I determined that I must leave the wharf to inspect the outhouse, my mission
was clear: Finish quickly, and return quickly. I approached the outhouse,
determined it was unoccupied, opened the spring-hinged door, and wasted no
time. With my mission nearly completed, I had only to return to the wharf.
But the door wouldn't open. You see, outside the door was a
rather small piece of wood--about 1" x 4" nailed in the center right
next to the door. Why? Presumably to keep the door closed so animals wouldn't
get in. When the spring-hinged door closed behind me, the piece of wood nailed
outside next to the door swung across the door, preventing it from opening. I
was locked in.
You might know how outhouses in late summer can become
unfresh. This was the unfreshest ever! I called out to my parents--silence! I
tried busting the door open, but my
I yelled out again and again. Nothing! I calmed myself down.
No panic attack. Did I hear somebody? I called out again. It was my father! I
raised my voice. I heard him some distance away, "Where are you?"
"I'm in the outhouse! It locked me in!" I replied.
"Which one?" he asked.
Huh? This was the only one on this side of the park. How do
I respond? "This one over here!"
"Where?"
"The one that is shaking!" I said as I bounced all
Then he opened the door. That first breath of fresh air was
glorious as when I drowned when I was 5 years old and had a NDE, but that's
another story.
Ha! It is all true. And Dad likes to tell that story now and
then. He knew exactly where I was and was just having fun at my expense.
Thankfully, I am not scarred from the experience.
From David
tolumas@gmail.com
So I am in
I am getting breakfast with my boss at a little cafe during
a break. We're chit chatting and sitting
next to us was this old local man reading the newspaper. In the middle of our conversation, and
without looking over his paper, the man says "The Queen sure is ugly aint'
she?" Super thick
The funny thing was is this man was smart and clearly not
crazy. We were across the street from
the
He started by ranting about the Queen, then moved on to
talking about how silly Prince William was to join the army, and then into a
rant about how horrible President Bush was, telling us that when Bush was
elected for his second term "It made a grown man cry." The guy talked for over 10 minutes without
any provocation from either of us.
After we finished our breakfast, we got up and left.
From Jeff
smilingjeffrey@gmail.com
I've got another one for you.
I work on
One day last summer, I'm coming home from Bainbridge,
walking onto the ferry and there is a girl just acting really upset. I
ask her what is the matter. She tells me that she's meeting friends in
She thanks me and agrees. Now, here's the funny part.
She remembered a few of the digits of her friend's phone number, but not
all of them, and couldn't remember the order. So she tries to dial it by
dialing every possible number, writing down each attempt. I have
unlimited minutes, so I just allowed her to do so without explaining that,
given her knowledge, there were THOUSANDS of possible numbers.
So as we're approaching the
We get to the internet cafe, she tries to myspace them, of
course it doesn't work. She looks at me and says "what are you doing
tonight?" I say nothing. She asks if I want to go to the
concert with her. I kind of laugh and say that I'll bring her there, but that I
don't want to pay for a show given I'd never heard of the band. She
claims she can get me in because she knows the band.
Now we're at a club in Seattle, I'm drunk (oh yeah, at the
end of the day on Bainbridge a lawyer friend of mine was pouring scotch down my
throat as we chatted it up....I'm 23....) and it's a techno show. I'm
TOTALLY out of my element, but was having a great time. I think I figured
out who takes those American Apparel mannequins seriously....
Turned out she knew the band. We hung out for some
time. It was weird.
I cabbed home. Never spoke to the girl again. It
was a great time.
From Jeff
smilingjeffrey@gmail.com
the last girl I met being my soulmate I fell in love with,
but she broke my heart.
From TD
td_calendar@yahoo.com
None about buying a pineapple, but the safety word is
pineapple.
The last girl was yesterday
:( She called to say, Oh did I
forget to tell you I was moving to
I love my parents, but they are going through some tough
shit. Seeing them is more sad then
awkward
Digging in the dirt today as a child. Digging in the dirt my whole 20's living as a
child. Digging in the dirt as a boy,
smashing rocks, model rockets, riding bikes all day, fire!, fireworks, and
going through childhood without tragedy.
That was nice. I don't think
people can do that anymore.
From D
zclimbs@hotmail.com
So I have this friend who recently moved out of state to go
to college. Being new, and at the same
time being a little boy-crazy, she posted an ad on craigslist looking for guys
who would be cool to hang out with.
She got over 100 responses.
After sifting through the emails she ended up meeting with
about 8 different guys. Of these guys,
she started hanging out with one of them named Jason, and they soon started
dating. Everything was going great. The only snag was that a month into their
relationship a random girl named Jill started contacting my friend (who's name
is Sara). Jill was sending Sara Facebook
messages and text messages, telling Sara that she needs to stop dating
Jason. Why?
Because Jill claimed that her and Jason were engaged and
were going to get married.
My friend, obviously disturbed by this, told Jason what
happened. Jason told Sara that Jill was
a psycho ex-girlfriend who stalks him and who always says crazy things to the
girls he dates in order to scare the girls off.
He did everything he could to assure Sara that he was hers alone, and
that Jill was just bitter and obsessed.
Over the next couple of this cycle would continue. Jill would send messages to my friend asking
her to stop dating Jason because she was his fiancee, then Jason would laugh
the messages off and reassure Sara by showing affection. Soon Sara would start telling people how
crazy Jill was, and how she knew that Jill was lying.
Oopsie-doopsie. I
think you know where this is going.
One night Sara gets into a fight with Jason over a
broken-down car. Not long after the
fight, Jill contacts Sara once again.
This time Sara tells Jill:
"You've never shown any proof that you and him are
together. You can see my Facebook pics
showing me and Jason kissing, etc... So
show me some proof or shutup."
So Jill goes onto her webcam and calls up Jason while Sara
watched. Not long into the call Jason is
telling Jill how he loves her and how special she is and how he is sorry that
he recently hit her.
Heh. After months of
gullibility my friend finally realized the truth. She immediately broke up with Jason. Jill, however, is making hilarious posts on
Facebook such as:
"I'm going to marry Jason. I don't care what anybody thinks. I especially don't care what my mother
thinks!"
And her equally dumb friends respond with "That's
right! You have to live your own life
and do what's right for you, nomatter what anybody thinks!".
So there it is. Viva
la craigslist - the matchmaker of the stars.
livinglegend@gmail.com
i had a dream...
i was lying in a hospital bed, outside, and in the shade of
a fruit bearing tree. there was a nurse beside me that was barely paying
attention to me. we were both watching children playing some weird version of
baseball. there was a well manicured field, and everyone was in their proper
positions. the only real difference was that there was a hologram in front of
the batter. the ball wasn't thrown at the batter, but was part of the hologram.
when he swung at it a real ball would fly out from somewhere.
i watched the kids play, i watched the nurse watch them,
felt the warmth of the day, and smelled the sweetness in the cool breeze. then
i looked at myself, i had a strange sort of rash. it was like salt water had
evaporated, and just left the weird trails of salt. and there were tubes coming
out of me everywhere. and on the inside of my left thigh there was a perfect
square cut out, with a piece of plexiglass covering the hole. it was full of
insects. spiders, ants, centipedes, huge ants, flies, giant ants. i could feel
them crawling around in there. and i could see the meat of my leg, and the
bone.
i was weak and a little hazy, but i managed to ask the
nurse, "what is this for?" she responded, "this is what feeds
them." then returned to the game. she had her legs crossed and was gently
bouncing her foot. she had the warmest look to her. i was sure that i wasn't
going to get anymore info out of her, and i didn't have the energy to try to
ask anything else.
but i think that the tubes were extracting something from me
that fueled the game we were watching, and the bugs made sure that whatever i
was producing was still good. and the nurse was only there to make sure that it
went well. that i remain healthy enough to produce, but weak enough to not
resist.
tunacanman99@yahoo.com
So it was the night after Thanksgiving 4 yrs ago and I was
full on leftovers of course. And my buddies Jurney and Brett call me ranting
how they needed to borrow my truck or they need me to come with them
immediately. They had previously gotten a call from our other homie Weston and
he had told them that Zakk Wylde was stuck on top of
So after they had explained what all of the turmoil was
about I told them to come over and we can figure it out. They arrived and we
started packing up a bunch leftovers to bring with us and then stopped at the
store and bought 5 cases of beer to throw in the back of the truck. And the
journey began....
So it was a freaking blizzard going up I-90 and just dumping
snow. However, I absolutely love the snow and love driving in it with my truck.
So we were hauling ass up the pass and could only see 20-30ft in front of us
and I was kickin it sideways almost the whole way. I freaked out Brett and
Jurney by getting a lil crazy and drifted about 40ft off the main tracks going
thru the snow. I just laughed cuz they got scared lol.
So at this point we have probably drank 2 cases if beer on
the way up ( I know I'm bad for drinking and driving, I don't do it anymore
lol) and we were all feeling real good. We got to the top of the Pass and saw
the tour bus parked in a big snow drift. We walked around the tour bus to see
if we could here anything and we didn't so we started to explore the hotel
there. We figured they would probably be partying like rock stars, and would be
able to hear them. But we crept around the hotel and even got into some
conference rooms trying to figure out the best stratergy to find the Wylde
man....
We were all pretty hammered and didn't know what to do next
since we didn't want to be caught being hammered lol. So we decided to stick it
out till morning. Unfortunately my truck didn't have a working heater so 3
grown ass men tried to stay warm in the truck but it just didn't work. Brett
ended up going to the public bathroom in the hotel to try to stay warm, while
me and Jurney froze our asses off. With very little sleep we got moving and
cracked some more beers and started thinking about breakfast.
Getting our bearings back after getting the blood flowing
agian we noticed some of the guys from the tour bus were standing around. So we
started talking to them and told them we had tickets to the show tomorrow but
we heard they were stuck, so we wanted to bring leftover food and beer for
everyone. They ended up buying us dinner and just ended up BSing for a while.
Finally after breakfast they let us on the tour bus just as
Zakk was waking up. They told him we came to save his thanksgiving and he said
that was badass. He handed us all beer and showed us the tour bus. He showed us
all his guitars and the he pulled out a huge bag full of tranquilizer and
steriods lol. Ah the life of a crazy musicain lol.
Soon we found out that they were going to be able to get the
bus out and get on with the show that day. We ended up packin up our stuff and
they gave us all backstage passes and a couple extra tickets to the show. We
ended up following the down the pass in a convoy with a couple of tour buses
and a couple of
Later we went to the show and it was badass. Unfortunately
they ended up canceling the backstage after show, so it ended there. But it was
one of my favorite time ever!!!!
From James LauRae
jlaurae@yahoo.com
Hi my name is James I am 26 I live in the city of
From James Hammeren
jamers4130@yahoo.com
I was working as a fisherman in the fall of 1948. The work
was hard and the hours ungrateful. We docked in a small port on the coast of
From Daniel Mata
panhandlingexecutive@gmail.com
A story? Alright I have a story since you asked so politely.
It's around august or so I think I was in 5th or 6th grade my quadratical
memory isn't always the greatest. Anyway summer was coming to a close and the
days were still longer but I actually enjoyed dusk more than anything. I lived
in a small house in a quiet neighborhood aside from the planes going overhead
but I still considered it quiet.
Hanging out outside under the halflit night sky. I'd always get on top of my
roof and just lie there looking up at the sky listening to the dogs barking
cars honking people from other houses nearby talking. The kind of summer where
you knew there was a whole world going on around you but at this moment none of
that mattered.
BOOM! There was a loud explosion kind of rattled the ground and made all the
dogs bark at once. I figured it might have been left over fireworks or homemade
dynomite someone had cooked up. Couldn't see anything in sight so I didn't
really care about it too much.
I jumped off my roof and began walking down the street to my friend's house, I
was bored, it was summer still, parents didn't care where I was half the time.
While I was walking I saw this car coming up in my opposite direction. I moved
to the side, this car was going quite fast for a just a neighborhood drive. I
kind of just stared not really thinking anything of it at the time. The car
raced up the street and then whipped around the corner towards one of the
busier roads.
When I got to my friend's house his mom said he was in the shower, he was
actually much older than me but we hung out regardless. As I waited in his
living room I saw that the news was on. I hated the news, guess it didn't help
I was pretty young so I was always into spiderman and transformers. As I was
looking for the channel changer I noticed something caught my eye on the tv.
MANHUNT in big letters. It reminded me of the punisher or some cool game so I
turned to watch it. They were saying this guy had been accused of kidnapping
some woman and the house he supposedly lived in had been set on fire. I looked
at it kind of disgusted like what kind of person could be driven to live like
that. I shrugged and went to change the channel when they showed it, the car
that he owned supposedly missing from his house was the very same that went
speeding up my street. Wow I was shocked I told my friend's mom who was cooking
at the time and we decided to call the
police. Next day I guess they caught the guy parked somewhere near where I
lived behind some abandoned woods. They say they found the car first and then
waited it out for him to get back and like an idiot I guess he did. Sorry if
the story is a bit long and not very suspenseful but eh I remember that day
like it was just last year haha anyway hope you got a semi kick out of that
one.
From Matt
eightlivesleft@yahoo.com
one day when i was 15 and my friend who was driving was 16,
decided to
drive around and find something to do so we drove all around, and then
finally gave up on finding something exciting to do. on the way home
we decided to do something daring and well he said go ahead, pull the
E-brake so i sure did! and we crashed way out in the country at about
11 at night so instead of staying and waiting for his parents he said
go get out of here so that way my parents will think it was just an
accident so i ran
oh and i'm 20 now so it wasn't like it was so long ago
From Nick Berkey
nberkey1@gmail.com
Not too long ago I decided to quit my job without giving
notice. After all, being there was always a choice. It was Tuesday
afternoon and instead of coming back to my office after lunch, I drove
home. My plan was to sleep in the next morning since I wasn't going to go
to work. Funny thing is, I forgot to disable my alarm and I woke up at
five-thirty in the morning like any normal work day.
I hopped out of bed and jumped in the shower. I brushed my teeth and
shaved and threw on my best suit and was out the door with my briefcase and on
my way to work. I got about halfway to work before I realized that I had
quit my job. My first instinct was to turn around and head back
home. But I kept driving.
I was going East on I-90 and I was nearing Coeur D Alene, which wasn't
unusual for me. I had taken this route many times on road trips.
But still, it was outside of
Now soon enough I realized that the scenery had changed from what I had seen in
the past on road trips. There were more trees and rolling hills--almost
mountains. A minute later I passed a sign that told me I was driving
North on SR 95. I'm not sure how I ended up on this highway, and I
became a bit nervous. I didn't have GPS at the time, and I hate being
lost. But I was in one of those moods where I felt like driving. So
I kept going.
About fifteen minutes passed and I somehow merged onto a narrow dirt
road. It appeared to be a one-way street and was very bumpy and full of
potholes. I was kind of intrigued by it, actually. But after about
a mile or so I started to feel nauseous from going over all the potholes.
Luckily, five minutes later I came to what looked to be some type of
campground. I pulled my car over and cut the engine and got out of the
car.
I saw clothes hanging on clothes lines and a couple of fires burning.
Even some pots and pans lying on the ground. But no other cars, and no
other people in the immediate vicinity.
I began to walk down an embankment and I noticed a lama or something eating
grass at the bottom of the hill. When I got to the bottom of the hill, I
could hear people making noise, but I couldn't tell where the noise was coming
from. I thought maybe there was a lake nearby or something and that
people were swimming.
Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. Startled, I spun around and there
was the scariest looking person I had ever seen. A super-old, skinny man
with his shirt off, frizzy brown hair past his shoulders—and you have my
word-this man had only three teeth in his mouth, if that many.
The man got up in my face and began spitting profanities at me and asking
me what I was doing on his land. His breath was so foul I nearly
gagged. And before I could speak there were two other men and a
couple of women and children surrounding me.
Next thing I know, I wake up in a bed, an old grey-haired woman sitting in a
chair next to the bed with a cup of steaming brew in her hand.
She smiled at me. "You're going to be all right," she said
and put the cup to my lips.
The liquid was warm and salty, but didn't taste too disgusting. I sat
up. "Where am I?" I asked.
"You tripped on a log, hit your head," the woman replied.
"But you'll be just fine after a couple days' rest."
"A couple days?" I said. "No way. I need to get
out of here right now." I sat up and began to get out of the
bed.
She pushed me gently back onto the pillow. "I don't think
that is such a good idea, young man."
Just then the old man that had yelled at me earlier came into the
cabin holding a dead, bloody animal that I'm guessing was a dog.
"We've got supper," he said. "Get some grits on the
oven."
The man left back out the door and the woman looked down at me. "You
just stay put and we'll have a good supper pretty soon." She
got up and went to the stove.
I waited till she wasn't looking and got out of bed and raced out of the
house. I didn't care enough to realize that I wasn't wearing any
shoes. I could hear my keys jingling in my pocket as I ran up
the grass embankment, and I looked down to see the bulge of my wallet. I
was more than grateful that they had not emptied my pockets.
Surprisingly, nobody tried to stop me from leaving once I was outside. I
even ran past the nasty old man and he just spit and nodded his
head. When I got to my car I pulled the keys from my pocket faster
than ever and peeled out of that place without looking back.
Ten minutes later I was stopped by a Bonners Ferry cop who asked me what I
was doing in his town. I told him I was just passing through. Then
I told him about the strange people I had met. He just looked at me and
said, "Son, I don't ever want to see you around here again."
I drove back home and went to work the next day. I apologized to my boss
for everything and told him that I valued my job immensely.
I have not taken any form of road trip since.
From Luke J Perrier III
chatwithluke@hotmail.com
Victor dreamt a variety of dreams at night. Sometimes he
would dream about the future, and the specificity of the events that had
happened in the dream repeated itself in reality many months to even years
later. These dreams caused concerns because they felt so realistic. It blended
an abundance of different paradigms so unlike from his current reality leaving
him feeling adrift and lost, yet some dreams were precognitive enough to pay
attention to. He researched the reason behind these dreams and why the mind
came up with them. During his research he came across a theory that the mind is
able to see into the future according to the theory that the universe may be a
hologram, and in accordance to string theory, a multitude of alternate
universes existing also.
He was no longer focused on his dreams nocturnally, but
those he were aware of during the day. The ones that came naturally to his mind
and where felt he belonged, with bliss encompassing his body, as the burdening
vanished. Not much occurred during the day in his life. He was too quiet
of a person to interact widely with people. Whenever confronted with conflict
in the past, he would either ignore it, or became hostile and dealt against it
without efficiency.
There was wonder in his mind, pondering if where the path
one leads depends upon the attitude towards others. In the passing of time, he
grew out of his laziness. After a near death experience from a freak accident,
it left him with ambition to lengthen his lifespan, thus entering the realm of
science and engineering.
"Victor, haven't you ever watched those vampire movies?
Do you really want to live forever and see the ones you care about pass
away?" said Annette. "Who says I was going to be the only one? You
don't think I would give it to other people?" replied Victor.
For the past several days, he felt a psychological hunger to
succeed. So much so that it became a burdening on his body. His muscles ached,
his mind throbbed, and his stomach burned. The hunger to succeed derived from
his upbringing, his envy, and most importantly, his vision. What determines
someone's idea or perception of what's realistic? His ramblings died out, and
he realized you must approach everything with a sense to grow. His to do lists
became more proficient, with solid results approaching. He wasn't satisfied
with the life he saw others lived. He wanted more. "Time to
carve...." Victor uttered in a whisper.
"I know what I need, I know what skills are
urgent.....the universe will be mine." His hunger grew once more, with the
other side of the coin reminding him what sort of peace he was seeking. The
mansion like white house on the hill of Queen Anne in
From Victor
alphazone@hotmail.com
When my dads family lived in Stanwood we had a septic tank
that
exploded. So of couse my dad had to dig up the yard and me (about 8)
and my brother (about 6) decided that since the yard was aready dirt
dad wouldn't mind if we dug a hole to the other side of the world in
the yard. So we worked on our hole for a couple of days and eveyday we
would use a larg piece of plywood to cover it up so just in case dad
didnt want us digging a hole in the yard he didnt have to know about
it. Well one day my stepmom called us in for lunch so I told my
brother to jump in the hole to see how deep it was and when he jumped
it it was over his head a bout
used to cover it and put it on top of the hole well he kept trying to
get out so I put some shovles of dirt on the plywood and ran in for
lunch. Whe I got inside mystep mom asked where my brother was and told
her, "he is in a hole in the yard" and went back to eating my lunch.
Well she really didn't like that so she grabbed me, drug me outside
and made me show her where my little brother was. He was fine just a
little scared and crying. So we got our asswoopin and ended up having
to cancel our plans of digging to china.
From Robert Curtin
shift62@hotmail.com
The rogue who let off the network chopper had it’s own hands
full. It had to fly fast and low, to avoid the network radar screens. Overhead,
the network had a covering force coming in fast. A couple of older jets
(MiG27’s) and refurbished Russkie attack choppers were panting for vengence.
Circling even higher was the AWAC plane, purchased off the government surplus
runways. The government would do just about anything to make a buck. The AWAC
had really good eyes, and it took more than a decent pilot and luck to escape.
The crew numbered only two in this particular rogue. They’d been released from
prison quite a few years ago. Early on in their career, they’d traded stories
and lovers, all in the name of fun. After a while, even hitting the food stores
on Saturday mornings began to pale. They were bored. Successful, experienced,
they even considered a double-side run with the networks. Sanity reeled them
in, and they continued the routines of life as a rogue. Their logo? A pair of
dentures within a white circle. The other crews fucked with them over the logo.
“Eat me” was their call sign.
“Seeker alarm! Radar got us! Infrared detectors got us!” The AWACs used
obsolete military laser and radar motion detectors; quite functional in this
environment. “Decoy is out!” The rogue pilot, “Chief”, listened without
comment. The elint engineer, a for-real engineer, called it off as she saw it.
Didn’t need to be trained or reminded to do her job. She came straight out of
the military, then went right into prison. She bit off her lover’s tool after
he tried to shove it down her throat one drunken night. After biting off his
tool, she sliced off his balls. Not really something to get a prison term over,
but the dude bled to death. He was all tied up, after all. S&M crazies…the
video she taped helped to pay for lawyer fees.
Chief flew the chopper low and fast, dodging between trees, buildings, whatever
he could use to cover his ass. He had flown in
The old chopper buckled under the strain. It wasn’t designed for such flying.
The pilot had to reinforce the superstructure with steel beams and some stolen
composite armour. The composite helped more than crews figured, and the
boron-steel beams didn’t bend like paper under the gee-forces. That helped keep
the bird in one piece.
“Stingers inbound!” The engineer was nervous but experienced. This was a night
like most, tho complicated with being so far from their own covering force. Her
fingers danced over the holographic system keyboard (stolen), setting up decoy
elint signatures, chaff, and those radar balloons the stingers loved to chase. Haf
a dozen radar stingers were coming in from all directions, tho. That’s why she
was a bit nervous. She’d run simulations of this particular scenario but had
never actually experienced it live. All her simulation attempts ended with the
chopper glowing in the dark, an incandescent glow in the sky.
She tried something on a hunch. No time to think about it; she launched a
handful of the bird’s radar stingers, transponders set to mirror the incoming
detection signals. The stingers flew out and up into the sky, keeping close
together.
The pilot was caught by surprise by this. He’d always kept a few radar stingers
in reserve, just in case. The engineer launched all of them.
“Stingers flying true.” She calmed somewhat, as the screens showed the incoming
stingers tracked their own. Decoys. Expensive but it’d save their asses. Within
seconds, the incoming radar stingers merged with their own, several miles away
from the old chopper. The explosion, however, was not what they expected. One
of the incoming stingers was tipped with a small nuke. It happened from time to
time. Not very big but with enough of a blast wave to knock down just about
anything flying for ten miles around. They were considerably closer than ten
miles to this burst.
The pilot instinctively dropped the chopper to the ground, heedless of the
location. Neither was blinded by the burst; their goggles were instant-nite
types, designed for nuclear situations. The pilot dropped the chopper to the
ground, desperately looking for something solid to hide behind. There! That old
apartment building… “Hold tight! Blast wave inbound!” The chopper sat on the
ground, and the silent seconds counted away in their heads. Sooner than they
expected, the shock wave hit.
From Larry C
larryc@northwest.com
I'll start with something pretty funny, a little childish
though, but we were kids at the time. A bunch of friends and I went to an Olive
Garden and the waitress started taking our orders. Of course they ask
"Would you like a soup or salad" when they take your order, and one
of my friends just stared blankly at her and said "Yes". The
waitress returned his stare and laughed a little and asked again "Would
you like a soup or salad?" He just said "Yes please". So the
waitress was very confused at this and just asked "Would you like
both?" And he stopped for a second and realized what he was doing then
said he would like a salad, and the waitress was on her way out. We just
laughed and asked him what the deal was and he said that he thought the waitress
was trying to offer him a 'Super Salad'.
One time we went TP'ing (once again, we were kids), and the neighborhood watch
was called on us, so they had their trucks driving all of the place with their
lights on, and pretty soon a few cops started to show up. It's a very very long
story, and we had a group of like 6-7 guys. We had parked a truck a few blocks
from the house we TP'd as sort of a getaway, since the neighborhood watch isn't
allowed to pull people over and such. But when the trucks started showing up,
all of us had split into several directions, literally. Hiding in bushes,
hopping over fences, and running across streets, it was hectic, and a tad bit
scary. I won't go into detail (unless you want me to), but none of us got
caught, but we certainly got chased lol Some of them pulled off
rambo-like manuevers too, like diving through sticker bushes, taking cover in a
ditch, and trying to rendevous everyone via cellphone.
Both From Sachiko S
satsumasmile@live.com
one day my brother, neighbor kids, and myself were out in
the vacant lot next to our houses. the company building the houses had dumped 4
or 5 large piles of dirt and we were determined to built a fort out of them. So
we proceeded to burrow under these piles for days. eventually we had a pretty
elaborate tunnel system. well one of the tunnels collapsed on a friend of mine
and his neighbor right at that moment yelled out to us as he was stuck in a
collapsed tunnel "Theres a bear coming" and bein little kids we
freaked out and ran away leavin my buddy stuck in this hole for like 30mins and
to this day he dosent like tunnels haha. true story.
From Dan Raymond
ddog50005@yahoo.com
anyway a story about me huh, well there's the time I pissed
off everyone in my class because they found out I was an atheist. I don't mind
people having religion but why is it so bad that I don't believe the same
things they do. Anyway that's just some of the thoughts I had going through my
head.
From Carlos Felix
agfc22@yahoo.com
Anyway, I do a lot of theatre, and when I was a freshman, I
got cast in my first show during the fall, which was a musical revue type deal
where we sing a bunch of different songs from different shows and some pop
songs too. One of the songs was "Uptown Girl," and I was standing
backstage during a performance watching the guys onstage sing. And there was
this senior named Brad standing next to me. I didn't know him that well because
I was shy and awkward and you know how it goes when you're a freshman. The guys
onstage were singing really high, and one of them, this blond guy named Justin
was singing a high D. Not sure if you read music but there are very few male
voices who can sing that high. So, to make conversation and show my admiration,
I leaned over to Brad, and I said: "Jeez, I can't believe he can sing that
high with both of his testicles intact." It was mean, but you say stupid
mean stuff sometimes. Especially when there's a big ass senior that you want to
impress. Your talk tends to get a little tougher.
But Brad looks like I just slapped his grandmother. He looks at me, and says
"what did you say?" I realized that I offended him and I said,
"No, no disrespect meant, I just think it's incredible Justin can sing
that high. Seriously, it's really cool."
And Brad just stares at me. He's a big guy, even taller than me (I'm 6'1")
and he looks really angry. He stares a little longer, and kind of nods and says
"okay" and walks away.
I had no idea why he reacted that way until 2 months later at a Christmas party
at a mutual acquaintance's apartment. He was sitting in a chair telling the
story of how he won his battle against cancer. The cancer? You guessed it. He
had testicular cancer and had lost one testicle during his battle with it.
Talk about faux pas...I didn't say anything but just sipped my drink
sheepishly. And that's probably the meanest (albeit unintentional) thing I've
ever said to someone. Probably. I'm sure there's more, but not off the top of
my head.
From Donny Vale
donny137@live.com
There once was an octopus who lived under the sea, like at
the bottom of it. Some people don't know this but not all octopuses live in the
sea and not all live at the bottom, some live like in the middle of it and they
kind of just float around and hang out. Anyway this guy was a really big
monster of an octopus I'm talking big, no I'm talking BIG, like, imagine
something really big, OK now imagine something bigger! OK, now...imagine
something gynourmously huge! Now add all three of those things together and
multiply by five! The octopus I'm talking about wasn't quite that big, because
that would be one huge octopus, I mean come on let's get real here, there's no
such thing as an octopus that big.
So the octopus was swimming along the bottom of the sea and it spotted some
lichen, you know, sea lichen. And it said "I'm hungry" (bet you
didn't know octopuses could talk). OK so it goes up to the lichen and eats it.
Alright then a couple of minutes later it says "I'm bored" and
decides to go for a swim, which isn't as interesting as it sounds because he's
basically swimming all day long when he's not resting on the sea floor or just
floating motionless in the ocean (which some could argue is a kind of sedentary
swimming). Then a couple minutes later he says I'm tired and he takes a nap.
And so goes a day in the life of an octopus.
OK the next day a big shark comes along, bigger even than the octopus and
that's saying something! And the shark goes "I'm hungry" and he goes
to eat the octopus and he puts his jaws around the octopus but the octopus
reacts with alacrity, he's like, "no Mr. Shark you will not eat me"
and he starts thrashing his tentacles at the shark and pushing him away. Well
it was an epic battle and I won't go into the details but it ended with the
octopus losing one of his arms and the shark also had some serious damage as
well. Shit is crazy.
Alright now this story has kind of a sad ending and I'm warning you right now
in case you want to stop reading or just take a little break before reaching the
shattering emotional climax of the story that's coming up. You also might just
want to prepare yourself, like grab some napkins or kleenex in case you start
crying and need to blow your nose. I definitely recommend kleenex and it can be
generic brand doesn't matter, see the important thing to know is that if you
blow your nose with napkins or worse paper towels (you probably know this) it
can lead to serious chafing. That ain't cool.
OK so basically what happens is the octopus goes back to his octopus family and
they see how he's messed up looking because he's missing one of his octopus
arms from the shark fight and they abandon him! They reject him and leave him
all by his lonesome self! I know, you're thinking "how cruel, I didn't
know octopuses could be so cruel" well it's true they really can be.
Anyway the octopus just kind of swims around the ocean and has days similar to
the one described above in paragraph two, and then eventually it dies, some say
of a broken heart.
From Jake Sanders
pharoahsanders@hotmail.com
So I will start with my story which is a pretty funny one
and maybe you'll want to hear the rest. I lost my virginity at a christian
camp, and there is more. didn't quite get away with it!
socerby1@comcast.net
I went to Hawaii, planning on being there for about 3 months
and after the first day I realized my place was infested with mice....I used
everything, traps, Decon, you name it....by the end of the trip they were
running around like cartoon mice and we got used to them. They were even
bad on the roads at night, being able to drive over them without even trying on
the freeway, gross....overall we caught over 60 mice and it was creepy.. I
still get shivers thinking about it!
From Moghan Lyon
MLyon13@aol.com
Want a good story? The one about my cousins and
friends growing up?
I grew up in two countries, here and there. My parents
would pack up and leave for this place every summer. I'd spent the rest
of the time with my relatives running around in shorts and sandals like the
rest of the crew. We'd go over to the neighbors and eat green mangoes
with dipping sauce in their yard, go spear fishing for dinner, run away from
the local stray dogs.
That was the fun part.
The part that sucked was the summer school that my parents
put me in, so I can learn things in the local language. Hated it.
With a white hot hatred reserved only for your worst enemy.
Well, that was it about the school. Did have some good
times there.
Back to the story. I was 14, we were to leave for the
States in two days. My cousin and his friends decided to go out that
night and do some spear fishing. The "spear" was a lenght of
bamboo with 4 to 6 sharpened bicycle spokes lashed to the end with a bike inner
tube and twine. The spokes were kept sharpened by rubbing the ends on a
broken whetstone. The spokes were tetanus central. We set out that
night with really questionable gear. A flashlight older than us
by decades. It may have been used by the British troops during their
Lim is now known as "Right footer Lim". We
all now have good flashlights and fresh batteries where ever we go.
One of us now tells the younger cousins about the time a
ghoul tried to eat Lim's liver.
From Sean Magus
sean.magus@yahoo.com
In 2004, I went with a state band to
From Chris Cammel
c_cammel@hotmail.com
Growing up I was very quite and shy. I also had trouble in
school, I usually attribute that to mental abuse my mother and her boyfriends
afflicted me with. My mother's boyfriends did alot of drugs and things like
that. I never did them myself though. The reason for that is most likely
because from about 7th to 12th grade I was Christian, not your average
Christian though. I knew a great deal of Christian theology and philosophy. I
read the Bible alot. But I always battled myself with Christianity, I would fall
from it, turn to it, etc...
I converted to an online program Senior year with the hopes of
finishing earilier, I was unsuccessful and now have no High School
Diploma. This fact is overwhelmingly shameful, I hoped that since I got a
job I would feel less ashamed. I can blame the mental abuse, or emotional
instability of my household for my current disposition, but that would not
justify it.
I tend to talk more articulately on email since I was studying
alot of apologetics (defense of the Christian faith), molecular biology and
philosophy and utilizing that against athiests on myspace.
Currently, I am the furthest I have ever been from Christianity. My
main premise is philisophical...
Now that you have me thinking about it, I'm quite a complex
individual, I can't seem to accurately explain my emotions... heh sorry
Well... I'm hoping to hit a 4 year soon, I've saved 4k in the bank so
far I'm 18 so that isn't too bad.
I don't talk like this in person... I recently picked up guitar, I
can finger pick pretty good. I've been frustrated with finances since now that
I have to mediate my own money I tend to spend less. My friends always get me
to spend on them though... I've always been that way...
At this point I find myself worried about your reaction to all
this, I'm sure it will be negative since the fact I am telling you these
personal things is very odd... I mean these are things a normal person wouldn't
tell someone they didn't know. So you have good reason to question the eccintricity
of me... Point is I was wondering if I should delete all this and write
something charming and clever as to increase the chance of you finding me
appealing as a person.
But what good would that do, in the unlikely occasion where you
were to find my clever and charming response to your ad AMAZING enough to
actually want to be in a sort of relationship with me I would have started it
with a lie as to who I am.
It doesn't really matter either way though, see my love life
hasn't been all that amazing so far. I've had one girlfriend and that was only
for a week during sophmore year. I'm a virgin also, it's a funny thing that now
a' days you can actually be made to feel shame because of that.
Well, I'm sure I've done as much damage as possible. This is the
first time I've done this, I suppose you should be flattered. If you aren't
well at least I am since you have read this far.
I hope at the very least I have provided a bit of entertainment to
your night.
It feels good to be honest.
From Jordan Keller
jordank91@live.com
so it was kinda a waste of money ecept we cut the top off
and put it in the ground just like a carrot but a pinapple will grow into a
complete pineapple plant as a carrot will just grow green leaves.and if you
paint the sunset cloud transition in friday harbor was a good meditation enjoy
life
From Kris Warfel
kriskw@rockisland.com
So it was a casual wensday evening and everything was going
right. Then all of a sudden out of the darkness I started to wonder, what is
the meaning of life? As i strolled to the computer i reasted my wiery legs and
took in a deep gasp. Rubbing my hands on my face wondering as where my life has
gone i slowly switch on the screen and listen to some of the best songs ever
written and enjoy the relief of another day done. Life has its single servings
of everything. From food, as i stroll to once again mumble to the microwave to
heat up another tv dinner to be enjoyed alone. I put the timer to three minutes
and walk to the bathroom. As i look into the mirror i gazed and wonder of the
man i had become.
From Nathan Briede
nbriede@gmail.com
When I was three years old, I had the worst nightmare of my
entire life. I saw Grover (from
From Thomas Kitchen
tomkitchen@gmail.com
My ex was being a bitch alright. But it would unfair
to hear from one side and it's best if I don't think about her anymore.
Well, I just got out of work 30 minutes ago. And I'm a bit upset, well,
more like frustrated. I work at UPS part time to pay for school. To get
to the point, I just found out that this girl who just got hired only a few
months ago got promoted to be a supervisor. To say that it's ridiculous
is a bit of an understatement. I've worked there for almost 2 year,
most of the supervisors there actually encourage me to apply for the position,
so I did. I was told there was no position available right now and I
would have to wait. I was like...okay...I'll wait, I'm not in a hurry
just let me know. This tonight, this girl walked around with a
radio (everyone supervisor has one), I was like, what the eff?
To say that she's dumb would be rude because it's only my opinion, but ALMOST
everyone that works there doesn't like her. One supervisor was also
shocked to find out she's got promoted. Her character would be someone
who thinks she knows everything and stuck up to the boss.
vireak@gmail.com
As for my story I was about 10......
Digging in the dirt as a younster, thinking I knew
everything....
I was at my friends house with my brother and another friend
riding our bmx bikes and building jumps. We were playing cowboys and
indians and using our bikes as horses. The jumps we built just weren't
big enough and we were getting bored. My friends house was on a hill
above their farm and we were riding on the dirt trails. In the middle of
the trail was a big round rock and we just couldn't get our ramp of plywood to
balance on it to make a good jump, so me knowing everything decided that we
needed to dig it out. So we searched through the garage and got shovels
and picks, thinking we could dig it out and use the hole to put the ramp
in....this was my idea. So we started digging, and sweating and digging
some more. Now about 2 hours into it i decided that I was big and strong
and could lift the rock out with my hands. I said "I got it",
thinking that was enough for them to stop stabbing the hard ground with the
shovels, me thinking I was superman or something, the rock weighed about
200LBS. So just after I said I got it I reached down to roll the rock
out, as my friend stabbed at the ground under the rock, just where I had put my
hand. Couldn't have bee worse timing, for my hand, as the shovel sheared
off 3 of my fingernails and part of the tips of my finger. We were all
scared that we would get in trouble because we didn't ask to use the tools, and
we took some of his dads nice tools that he wouldn't have let us use. So
we ran inside, me bleeding like crazy and went into the kitchen. Put my
hand in the sink, tried ice, now that hurt like hell. We grabbed towels
and made a huge mess of the kitchen. Just as we thought we had gotten
away with it, in came his mom. She knew we were up to something and I
think I looked the most guilty, well and probably the most in pain....lol
She grabbed my arm and asked what happened, I said I cut my finger, she took
the towel off my hand and gasped. She said you did more than cut
it. So she got bandages and put aloe vera on it which stung like
crazy. Then we got the big lecture of why we don't use adults tools
without supervision. And the funny thing is we didn't really get in much
trouble. We went back outside and got the rock out and rolled it down the
hill. I got to sit and watch the other guys hit the big jump that was my
idea....while I sat with a big bandage and ice pack on my hand. The good
part is that my fingernails grew back......
From Eddie Smith
s_eddie_80@yahoo.com
hows about yesterdays. im a truck driver and I got cut off
and slide across 3 lanes of traffic on I-90
From Tyler Mitchell
tylermitchell20@msn.com
So, my friend, here is the story of my dating life.
Alright, so to start off, let me just say that I come from a
somewhat disfunctional family. My father was abusive, controlling, and
just in general a selfish person. My mother was somewhat neglectful, but
besides that she was always nice. However the biggest problem with my
family was the absence of love. For a long time I didn't even know what
love is. I've never heard my mom tell me that she loves me, and I'm 22
now. I've probably gotten like 8 hugs from my mom in the last 16
years. Knowing this will make understanding everything else a little
easier.
So I'm a romantic. I have always longed for a deep,
overwhelming, all-consuming love that would fulfill me. The funny thing
is, I started thinking about this when I was less than 10 years old. And
of course I wasn't getting any girls at that age, but I had crushes...oh
goodness. Anyways though, I never had the courage to tell a girl how I
really felt so I never had a girlfriend until.... Alright...so here is
where the story gets interesting. Again, let me remind myself that I'm
going to keep this short. I started using the internet when I was about
11 or 12. I used AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) and found random chat
rooms and talked to random girls. To me it was the most amazing thing in
the world. I could say what was on my mind without feeling the normal
fear I felt face to face. Anyways though, long story short, I chatted
with A TON of girls, and alot of them somehow fell in love with me (according
to them). But I didn't believe in internet relationships so nothing
ever REALLY happened. I mean when I was 13 there were some girls
that I technically "cybered" with on a semi-regular basis but haha,
whatever.
Anyways though, when I was 14 One of the girls I was
talking to online was actually really..really amazing. Like I couldn't
wait to talk to her every day, she was just great. For the first
time I though I had found something close to "love" cuz I
really really couldn't get enough of this girl, and I cared for her so
much. She ended up becoming my first girlfriend. We would talk
alot, about anything and everything, and we would call up each other and
have out naughty little phone sex...but I never actually got to meet her.
We broke up after she cheated on me. I was so heart broken. It had
lasted 6 months, and afterwards I swore off girls for a long
time.
Next chapter, 2 years later when I'm 16. I become best
friends with this girl that I have a huuuuge crush on. I planned to ask
her to be my girlfriend after I we went to prom together.
However when I asked her to prom...she got asked EARLIER that same
day by a guy that ended up becoming her boyfriend. Like seriously,
what the eff. This was an important point in my life though. I had
kept contact with like 3 or 4 girls from my childhood chatting days. These
girls were girls that never did anything naughty and never liked me or
anything, we were just friends. One of these girls helped me alot through
this time. She talked to me when I was all depressed, she even helped me
come up with a way to ask my friend to prom beforehand! This girl...ended
up becoming the most important girl in my life. Her name was Melonie.
Chapter Melonie. Melonie was similar to my first
girlfriend: gorgeous, kind, funny, sweet, and most of all
caring. The summer after my senior year of highschool Melonie and I
talked a whole bunch, we became best friends. However, even though I
started liking this girl, and I knew that she was REALLY into me, I
told myself I would never ever do the internet/long distance relationship
again. So I started college..and about 1 month into it I realized
that there was no other person in this world that I cared about more than
Melonie. And when I realized that, I realized how stupid it was that I
was keeping myself from being with her just because she lives far
away. Anyways Melonie became my girlfriend, and we had a
wonderful 2 years of a great relationship. I talked to her
probably 4-6 hours per day. This lasted until after my sophomore year of
college. I never had a car (or money), so I could never go see her.
So after 2 years of the most amazing relationship of my life, one where I can
without a doubt say that I've experienced true love, I lose the girl I
love. Melonie died when I was 20...and it was the hardest thing I ever
had to go through. What made it even harder is that I kept her a secret
from EVERYONE because I know how judgemental ppl can be about that type of
stuff ("Internet relationships"). So I secretly grieved for a
long time. Honestly, to this day I haven't looked at a picture of Melonie
cuz I think I will just break down and cry. I cry for her alot
still. A-lot...
After Melonie died I decided that I should become a better
person. I wanted to be more like her: an open and caring
individual. I started actually giving hugs to ppl (I never ever ever
hugged anyone before and I didn't want to hug anyone besides Melonie). I
started trying to be more outgoing and friendly. I wanted to honor her
memory in knowing that she made an impact on me as a person, which she
did. Anyways Going into my junior year of college I actually got braces,
and decided it's fine because I needed a break from girls anyways. I just
got those braces off like 4 or 5 months ago and I'm finally ready to
get out into the dating world. But I'm faced with all of these
problems. Here I am 22, with this secret relationship history that I
can't really tell any girl that I want to date, and I've never even been
kissed/kissed a girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good looking guy and I'm
not overweight or anything, I just don't have the experience that any 22 year
old guy should have.
I'm starting a new chapter in my life right now.
After losing the love of my life...and after getting screwed by my
first girl I am not trying to go straight for the romantic picture perfect
relationship that I've always wanted. In fact I just need experience,
because I don't even feel like I can make a move on a girl. If I KNEW a
girl wanted me to make a move then I could but I can't interpret signals, and
now I'm hella scared that if I do try to kiss a girl I'm gunna do it wrong and
scare her off. It really sucks. I've been looking for a girl to
teach me how to kiss. Without much luck, haha. So I kind of gave up
on that. However, a month ago I posted a CL ad, and this really great
girl responded. We met like 2 days later and I've gone out with
her 3 times. The thing is I'm so "nice" and non-aggressive
that I feel like she may just be seeing me as a friend. I am scared to
kiss her cuz I don't know how, and she might not want it. I am scared to
talk to her about what she is thinking. I am trying really hard to be
honest all the time, but it is so much harder than it sounds! I want to
tell her that she is beautiful. I want to tell her I wanna kiss
her. I wanna tell her that I've never kissed a girl. But gosh, how
does somebody react to that? I don't know. Anyways, sorry, I tried
to make it short. But that was a really COMPACT version of my dating
life. I had to leave out alot to make sure that this stayed a
semi-reasonable length. Honestly I could probably write 10X this much on
just my two girlfriends. But yeah. Ever hear of somebody in my
situation?
Oh and I started off with my family because I think that's
the reason why I was so drawn to chatting to girls online. I had never
had anybody convey feelings towards me except anger really. Not to
mention my stunted intimacy growth since I never really hugged anybody until I
was 14 or 15. Well I hope this all makes sense, and congratulations for
making it to the end!
Oh and my first girlfriend became my facebook friend and now
she's a model...great!
From Adam Brony
klluver@yahoo.com
Hello my name is Kohl. In my calculus class we were talking
about applied optimization, as you may or may not know a derivative is often
called f prime. A guy in class asked the teacher since we are deriving
functions of optimization is instead f prime it would be optimus prime. The
teacher laughed a good 5 minutes before finishing the problem.
From Kohl Gill
kohl.gill@yahoo.com
One time in the summer of 2003, I had gone to
From Kevin McMillen Jr.
buckeye206@gmail.com
When I was a boy, I loved dinosaurs. Still do, actually. I
loved dinosaurs so much, I wanted to be a paleontologist.
Sometimes I would go into the garage and throw gardening tools into my Hulk
Hogan backpack, then head into the
One day, during a particularly hot and humid
Lo and behold, it wasn't just a rock. Excited, I pulled out a toothbrush,
because all paleontologists brush off the fossil rather than haphazardly
digging it out.
After a while, I could see the eye socket of a skull. Then I could see the
teeth. Then the spine.
Feeling as if I needed to return this specimen to the lab (a.k.a. my bedroom),
I threw the skull in my bag for later identification.
Upon my arrival at home, I showed the skull to my dad. He laughed at me and
told me it was no dinosaur.
"That's a deer, Daryl", he said through a smile.
Not wanting to believe him, I ran downstairs to check my dinosaur books. I
couldn't find anything that even almost fit, and finally, much to my chagrin,
conceded that my father was right.
But that didn't stop me from returning to the woods with my digging tools the
very next day.
From Daryl Douglas Adams
daryl.adam.douglas@gmail.com
a story eh...I went to cash a carry today with my
boss. We decided to make tacos for "family meal" at the end of
the night; I work at a Japanese restaurant in
Upon arriving at work, I made the tartar sauce and a pico de gallo salsa and
sliced the radish. My boss did prepared the black cod; breaded and baked!
the tacos were delicious!!
From Maxx Arnold
maxxarnold@yahoo.com
I am not sure why it happened. I was going for a jog
with my dog today enjoying the spring that I have so longingly awaited.
So, here we are proudly jogging, feeling the cool air on my face, enjoying the
sunshine and next thing I know I am laying on the side of the rode with my dog
standing on my chest. Oh yes, that's right the infamous squirrel caught
my dog's attention and she wrapped the leash around my ankles causing my to
fall to the ground. We are both ok, not even a scratch actually. I
couldn't help but laugh my butt off that an animal so simply just wants to get
a squirrel.
From Matthew Sheaffer
sheaffer_matt@hotmail.com
I used to be a soccer referee. I was around 11 years
old when I was learning how to be one. To get some reffing experience I was
signed up to ref at the little soccer jamboree down by Greenlake.
These soccer jamborees were used to help teach young refs and at the same time
let a bunch of teams play each other all in one day. So there I was,
no reffing experience reffing these my first game ever. It was going
great. The parents weren't yelling at me. The players were having a good time.
About half way through the game a player is dribbling down the field no one
around him and he steps on the ball and falls over. The ball flies away from
him and the soccer game continues. Couple seconds later I get the little tap on
my shoulder, "hey ref, hey ref, I think my wrist is broken". The
player holds up his wrist and it looks like a Z. This player was around 8 years
old and wasn't even freaking out that his wrist looked like the last letter of
the alphabet. I've never seen a broken bone ever so this is the coolest thing
ever to me. So instead of being the hero referee by blowing the whistle and
telling a parent to call 911. I kind of stand there mesmerized by his wrist for
a while until a parent noticed it and screamed. This sets off a chain reaction
of screaming parents running onto the field. I finally blow
my whistle to stop the game.... and ya thats pretty much my first soccer
game I ever reffed.
From “Bob Robert”
I just got back into the states after living in
From Al Roberts
fredo3467@yahoo.com
So me and a buddy decided to go skydiving. We thought it
would be a good time. Well there was three of us, when we got there, and
started signing up for the dive. One of my buddies thought it would be a funny
Idea to jump in just our skivvies. We all thought about it for a second weighed
the pros and cons, and decided it would be worth it. We all start to get ready
in the jump suits which they require you to wear clothes under. Little did they
know we decided otherwise. We get on the plane and are told that at this point
we can either choose to jump or go back down. We decided to strip, the
instructors didnt know what the hell was going on. They soon realized our plan.
They didnt like it! We told them we would change, but when the others who were
on the plane started to jump, we quickly took off what we put back on and
jumped out. They didnt like that either. When we got to the ground, there was a
few unhappy employee's waiting for us. They escorted us to the registration
area, where they said we must sit till the cops arrived. Once we heard that, we
jumped up and took off to our truck and left. Still in our boxers. Good times
From Timothy Andrews
timothyandrews79@yahoo.com
When I was a kid growing up in
From Kris
kmfroi@googlemail.com
when I was a child my friend lost a ninja turtle toy in the
mud. We spent 30 min looking for it in the dirt, but ever found it. Once the
water had dried the toy was gone forever. I think the dirt gods ate it.
From neal rochman
thunder-wing@hotmail.com
the last girl was a flake. We had 2 dates and at the end of
the 2nd she said it was awkward but still wanted to be friends. I said sure and
we hung out again. She said that was awkward too but still wanted to be friends
and maybe more but she didn’t want a relationship. I was confused and then she
cancelled the last 2 times we were supposed to hang out. So I told her
yesterday she’s a flake and I don’t want to waste time with her anymore.
From neal rochman
thunder-wing@hotmail.com
really? the last story? story of the last girl I met on
craigslist... traded a laptop to her for a night of her time....really...
Sig.229@comcast.net
Heres a few little stories.
1. When I was about 5 I lived in a trailer park with
my parents outside of Huston
2. When I was about 6 my parents used to take me and
my older brother to a campground for weekends. The campground was in a
marshy bayou area close to
3. At about the same age I remember getting stung by a
jelly fish (man-o-war) while swimming in the gulf of Mexico and my
parents carrying me out of the water.
4. When I was about 11 an older neighbor girl showed
me her boobs after I let her ride my bicycle. After that we used to play
"show-n-tell" out in the fields or barn haylofts.
5. I just submitted an application today to get into an
apartment in Ballard. If I get approved I'll be moving in this Saturday.
From Andrew Corson
amc078@gmail.com
Well I have a story for you, the last time I bought a
pineapple now it may not be fair but I bought 8 at once. I work at a produce
warehouse and we sell pineapple of course, we have 6, 7, and 8. Since I love
pineapples I got the 8 count. Its cheap for bulk too.
From Nikolaus Vassallo
nvassa20@gmail.com
So the other night I picked up a hitch hiker up on 85th and
drove him to downtown Ballard. I initially drove past him but felt sorry so I
turned around and asked him where he needed to go. At first it was kind of
creepy because there is always the chance that they could be a murderer haha..
Anyways, he kept talking about liberal arts and that he was a teacher at UW,
for some reason I had a hard time believing him.
Long story short, like a year ago I was down in
From Ki
4ourum@gmail.com
the girl on my last date was ... a boy. i met her at
the bus stop. she was pretty, petite, great legs, warm
smile. the conversation was good, we walked, talked, had
coffee, went to a movie, held hands. went to coffee again
and she told me ... she's a guy. in every sense of the word.
built just like me. this was a few weeks ago in
From
garym06@msn.com
Once upon a time, when we all lived in the forest, there was
a little Transformer robot, an autobot. This robot wasn't the biggest or
the badest Transformer. It couldn't turn into a tank or a boom box
or a fighter jet. It just turned into a plain 'ol smallish
pickup. The other Autobots didn't pick on the littlest transformer, they
just ignored the poor dude. The decepticons didn't pick on him
either, they just ignored him. In battle, the littlest transformer was
all alone, ignored by his companions and his enemies. And everyone knows
that no attention at all is worse than even bad attention.
So what could the littlest transformer do? He thought and thought and
thought some more. Confused and alone, he tried joining the local
gang of neonazis, but it turn out very well. They were prejudiced
against him. They called him a said he was a mud race race
traitor, a robosexual, and that he was dragging down the genetic purity of the
Fatherland and preventing the state from owning the means of production as
dictated by national socialism. "But I'm not even a biological
organism..." he tried to explain, but the silly racists were hearing none
of that. They went goose-stepping off into the woods, heil-hiterling the
trees and squirells and stuff, leaving the littlest transformer all by
himself.
So the littlest, lonliest (did I mention he was also small?) transformer
took up a job picking up hitchhikers. Hitchhikers don't pay
anything, and they don't shower, and some of them are crazy, but at least
the lonliest transformer had something to do. But one day, when he
was driving some hitchhikers from one place to another, he realized that
there was an unspecified plot device up ahead! "Sweet
zombie Jesus!" he exclaimed in either surprise or fear - or maybe
giddiness, I don't know, you pick - and immediately transformed into robot
mode. Unfortunately, his hitchhiker passengers were still inside his cab,
and he crushed them to death.
"Oh well, they were completely undeveloped characters who didn't even have
names, no big." And then the littliest, lonliest transformer
manipulated the unspecified plot device in some manner or another, and the
story came to an arbitrary and ultimately unsatisfying end. In
conclusion,
From Jon O
shade4440@hotmail.com
This story takes place in a land far, far away called
Stevens Pass. Me and a few of my fellow car nerds totaling about
five cars met up at the big smokestack in
From Alan Frazier
alanfraz@hotmail.com
Buying a pineapple. I went to 
The last Girl being...a skitzo, bipolar, and married! What
the heck happened??! Well we had a few awesome dates, she said she was
divorced, and would be in a ver romantic moment only to her to stop abrubtly
and just stare at me and ask me weird questions (que the twilight zone music
here) so luckily she never called again, after i asked if she was bi-polar. Got
to love craigslist huh!?
Parents. Well this is a tough one my mom and i parted ways
when i was 17 becasue she was and still is evil and crazy. he thinks she's a
prophet. Do i need to say more? Thank God I had awesome granparents who raised
me right.
Diggin dirt. I dug a whole in the back yard becuse I wanted
to make an underground fort! It was baout
From Jason Thordarson
thejasonator@comcast.net
So I'm in this marching band and we do a parade in Penticton
B.C. every summer and its actually a really long parade and it doesn't help
that our uniform include long Dickie's pants and high socks, so we're
marching down the route not to far from the end and were playing the song Hush
by Deep Purple I personally like the marching version better if you listen
to it theres a big crescendo near the end the song was nearing this
my favorite part of the song but there was a particularly curious Hornet,
yes I said a Hornet, buzzing around the mouthpiece of my Trombone, I
didn't want to swat at it and make it mad or stop playing. So I without
thinking I take a big breath and the hornet goes right .. down ... my ..
throat, I imagine that pine-cones feel similar going down.
Immanently after that I turned to the rank behind me and yelled "GUYS
I JUST SWALLOWED A HORNET!!" I kept marching and one of the staff whom
walk along side the band brought me some water just in time for me to play the
next song. About a two blocks after that I spat up a wing then a leg, for a
while after the parade I was trying to figure out if I was going to
die I did however get to tell almost all 170 members of the band this
story.
From C.J. Abe
so.hard.to.see@gmail.com
Many years ago, I came across a door in my attic with an
abnormal key hole. At first I thought to myself, “It must have a skeleton
key lying around here somewhere”. So hours went by as I searched for the key,
wondering what secrets were behind that door. I thought about riches being
behind that door, something I would be amazed with. and yet again I also
thought about terrifying things. Things that no human should set eyes on. So
that lead to the thought, “do I really want to know what is behind that door?”.
Of course I did, who was I kidding. It would take an act of super human
will power to resist the curiosity that this door bestowed upon me. I wanted to
know so badly what was behind the door, I would do anything for just a glimpse.
Days went by as a dreamt of the secrets, every night in my dreams a new
adventure was waiting for me behind the door. Soon I found myself falling
asleep in front of the door, hoping that it would open for me by itself. One
night while I lay beside the door, a strong wind threw open the attic window
and sent a shiver down my spine. I went to close the window and on my return to
the door I noticed something shiny sitting on a shelf on the wall. It was
something I have never laid eyes on. It came to my mind that this might finally
be it, “this is the key that will open the door to my dreams”. I picked up the
key and walked over to the door, realizing that at this moment the door could
no longer hold me back from what I wanted. I slid the key into the hole above
the knob and turned it. My breath fled from my lungs when I saw what was inside
that room. The one thing I had been wanting this whole time, was now right
before me. I no longer had to wonder what was behind that door.
From Taylor Shreve
sleight_of_hand@live.com
One time I was on
My friends and I almost got jumped in
I've been propositioned by streetwalkers twice. I was kind of weirded out both
times, obviously. One of them looked really terrible and was probably addicted
to meth. Kind of depressing really.
Turns out the Japanese really are as perverted as they seem. I was in
I used to live next to the Mexican border. There really is a wall at the border
in most places, and there has been for years. At night, music from the local
Mexican discos would serenade us to sleep. They played mostly Mariachi-style
stuff, so I guess it's not really a stereotype since it's true!
Belross@gmail.com
There are many ways to tell it, many details that can be
left out, and many condensed versions which carry the same meaning.
Here's one.
Once upon a time, I sat in the back of the computer lab
during lunch. I couldn't be in rooms with a lot of people, didn't go to
parties, didn't hang out with anyone, and played lots of video games.
I had a therapist, he was an idiot, and I took 1.2g a day of
anti-anxiety pills.
Then, one day, I got really tired and grew some balls,
stopped taking the pills, and lost a bunch of weight.
Since then, I've become one of the most sociable people at
my school, found a direction and career goal for myself, am immensely networked
for one my age in my industry, and honestly intend to conquer the world through
video games I will make.
I like being confident. It's more fun, I get more done, and
I get to be proud of myself when I look in the mirror.
discreetadress@gmail.com
About five or six years ago, in my teens, I purchased a
whole pineapple. My brothers and I took turns hacking at it with my father's
nice kitchen knives (he's Japanese) and couldn't seem to split it properly.
After ruining the blades we finally got it open only to realize that we really
don't like pineapple that much, and it tastes better from the can.
The girl is a stripper. I told her that she was not allowed to install a
stripper pole in the house, in spite of her expressed desire. One day I found
an in-box dancer pole in the living room. I shouted that it will never go up,
and that she should return it. She insisted that it would be installed at her
friend's house. Another day I found the box open, with all the parts still
inside. I looked up at the ceiling and saw holes where she had attempted to
bolt it. I was furious. She was, too, and told me that my ceiling sucks. She
doesn't know what a "stud" or a "beam" is. Thank god.
I've always despised my mother and my dad feels uncomfortable now that I'm bigger
than he is. None of them are at all involved in my life in spite of the fact
that I'm the only one of their three children that really did anything with his
life, but perhaps that's the reason. My parents are awkward people even when
I'm not around, so meeting them is always a strange experience. And they love
cats, to the extent of being somewhat disturbing.
As a child I hated digging in the dirt, as I do now, because I hate the feeling
of having anything under my fingernails. But at the same time, I had this
fantasy that if I dug deep enough I would find treasure of some kind. In my
childhood apartment complex there were holes here and there from my various
attempts, most of which were successful. I had quite the collection of shiny
rocks, old rusty pieces of metal, and other odd objects that could be found.
From Miki
kaizoku@gmail.com
I used to work as a 911 operator, and one time I
caught a murderer.
From Brian
hajik52@gmail.com
I light up the hookah and look outside the window. As the
light flickers
from the ceiling fan’s rotation with the frequency of an idling jalopy,
I take in the view I have yet to become accustomed to. The Halogen
lights of the passing vehicles catch my eyes and the neon draws my
attention as it lights up the Broadway sign. It’s not always this
peaceful, but the diversity of stimuli is always able to capture my
attention.
I am assured that there are grander views that could compete with my
humble abode. One might say, sure you see the Space Needle gleaming
faintly in the distance, but this can by no means compare to the vast
sprawl that lies under its watchful gaze, looking out on to the cowering
city under its towering form. To this I would say the far-reaching view
seen from the Space Needle is truly exorbitant, however it fails to
include one iconic figure. Whereas from my window the Space Needle is
the center piece and stands out as one of the well-known iconic mediums
of the Northwest. The view from the Seattle tower lacks its own
presence, as the monolithic spear reaching in to the sky, so familiar to
Washingtonians and anyone that has ever passed through my state, is absent.
Most things remain the same when I peer out, ready to take in the new
day, or watch the clouds billow in from
faint in the distance are highlighted by anachronistic electric poles
strung together by draped, decaying wires. At first they seemed to be
part of the mountain ridge, but as I examine further I start to
individuate between the foreground and the painted-on backdrop of
mountains fifteen miles away. The water from this angle looks as if it’s
swallowing Downtown whole. Both I-5 and the Viaduct are obscured leaving
only buildings, which form a ravine framed by skyscrapers to the south
and Queen Ann Hill to the northwest. The hillsides are littered with
firefly sparks created by every light the city has to offer.
There is a time of the night when morning creeps in, and just before
Seattle City Light terns off the streetlamps for the day, their faint
glimmer begins to be drowned out by the oncoming sunrise. In the winter
this is especially spectacular as the light from the lion-headed sun
gradually washes over
blue cutout of
Though an element of timeless nature is present, so is man’s endless
construction project. I never know what I will see outside my window.
Sometimes it could be a man walking hastily with his two pitbulls
trotting along, leading him by their leashes. At another time it could
be an Officer who, in a beckoning and commanding voice, directs a
gentleman in a non-descript
stop. The man’s face shows dread and a nervous obedience to his sudden
detour on this evening’s ride. This scene recurs often at the busy
intersection of John and Broadway.
Often I find myself watching the passer-bys that are unaware of their
roles as stars of my own private television show. Sometimes they are
reunited lovers, eager to see one another, and at others they are
adversaries that can’t bear another moment in each-others presence. Most
don’t look up, and most would not be noticeable from the street level,
but from above they are transformed into animated caricatures with
unintended anecdotal characteristics, casting themselves as players in
my life for a short time.
Sometimes the street of Broadway is not the most welcoming, as when a
group of men piling out of Club Lagoon not half a block away reenact a
fight scene worthy of Big Trouble in Little China. Screaming and yelling
at one another, they draw undue attention and soon the street is closed
off by a quartet of Crown Victoria Fords gleaming and emitting a concert
of sirens muffled by my apartment walls. And the show is over, but not
before one of the participants lands an enraged high kick on his
retreating opponent. Most of the times when ‘Cops’ comes on my window
set-television, there is a good reason, at times, however, it takes a
turn for the absurd.
I recall the evening when a war veteran in a wheelchair, having alarmed
someone, was reported for possession of a handgun. Though a dubious
claim debunked shortly thereafter, did pose for satirical imagery, as he
sits calmly in his wheelchair, arms outstretched in bewilderment, with
six officers surrounding him on all sides, causing immense confusion to
the passerbys. Once the allegation is dismissed, the veteran and the
Officers chat for a bit before returning to their respective duties.
The diversity of events always builds up by the weekends, with the
crowds of bar-goers stringing in past my windows like flocks of
migrating birds. Some already intoxicated, and progressively getting
louder, and other groups coyly laughing, while they await to be reunited
with the brightly colored open signs of their favorite bars.
Sometimes during the week Blue, just underneath my window will
experience an influx of patrons that after several drinks billow
outdoors to quench their desire for tobacco, the smell of which seems to
penetrate my home regardless of my efforts to seal its putrid sent out
from my living room.
The smell of tobacco is not the only unannounced visitor. Early in the
morning I will often find my self sensing a hint of freshly baked bread
seeping through the cracks of my eighty-year-old window sills as it
escapes the baker’s racks of the local submarine sandwich shop. Its
aroma having long become associated with sub-par taste, is now more
invigorating then enticing, still manages to stir up my hunger. Often
when I find myself noticing the scents of Subway, I rush out for
something more fulfilling, or dig into my cupboards in the hops of
finding something that could take my mind off the seemingly omnipotent
smells of local kitchens.
When it snows or rains I enjoy looking outside at the rushed pedestrians
trying to get to their destination with little time to spare for the
surroundings which often captivate me or the stoplights that would
normally persuade them to slow down. In the comfort of my home, assured
by an always percolating, and steam-spewing radiator, I can take in
these glum days without feeling the need to skip over the details. When
it snows, and the wind howls at my window I notice the rapidly falling
snowflakes as the drift hastily past the glow of the street lamps. If it
starts to hail I am shot out of my chair to catch a glimpse of what
could possibly be a marching band composed entirely of drummers, only to
find ice pellets adoring the outside of my window sill. When this occurs
I pick up the hail, left by the overcast sky and feel it’s grainy specs
melt away from the heat of my fingertips, leaving my hands feeling
tingly for a moment. Sometimes I am not startled at all, and finally
when I raise my eyes I am greeted with a carpet of white, that floods me
with memories of my childhood in
after it snows the smog of the city seams to dissipate, and the air
becomes as fresh as after a lighting storm, almost energized by all the
commotion.
There are surely many majestic views in the Northwest, and elsewhere
beyond fair
something other than the dreary and seemly endless precipitation, but
one look outside of my window, and I remember why I choose to live in
shifting weight with a familiar creak and I know I am home.
From Eugene Drovetski
russian.tech@gmail.com
So the story goes my last girl was named Marie. So one
morning I was in my Econ class and I decided to text her. I text "
I'm so horney rite now". It seems innocent enough but the problem
was that when I scrolled down my contact list on my phone the name Mom comes
rite after Marie. So basically I sent my mom a text that says "I'm
so horney rite now". Needless to say it was a little awkward seeing
my parents after that.
From James Marchant
jt12shotty@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment